Past Pains but No Regrets

I wanted a different life. My dreams were so much bigger than I would ever allow myself to know. And I longed with every ounce of my being to chase them. But I held back, I followed the status quo. I had become too overweight, and all of my own self-worth was tied up in what everyone else thought of me. And it’s really difficult to chase the desires of your heart when you are busy pleasing everyone else.

I wouldn’t write because what if someone didn’t like what I said. I wouldn’t stand up for myself because what if I upset the other person. I wouldn’t push for something more because I couldn’t handle the rejection of failing to achieve it. I just stood still and tried  for the best life I could find within all my self-created rules and limitations.

I truly believed that it was working. I thought I had a pretty good thing going. But I never understood why the slightest little things at work would upset me so much. I never knew why in those quiet moments of life, when the world slowed down long enough to be still, all I wanted to do was cry. I never knew why I always had to be so perfect, for things to go so perfectly. And why I was so devastated when they didn’t.

Over and over I tried to “make it work” and find a little happiness. But I was just so terrified of the world. I couldn’t really allow myself to be a part of it because I feared that it would reject me. For the most part, I had a good sense of self-awareness. But when it came to issues around my weight, I just had these blinders on. I couldn’t see how much harm it was really doing to my life.

This is how I can say to you that losing weight is about so much more than just losing the weight. Life isn’t as neatly compartmentalized as we would all like to believe. It’s all connected, all intertwined, and it all has to be worked through over the course of this journey.

And it is only now, looking back, that I can begin to see what the weight really cost me.

The Moments of Truth will come to You

I believe with all my heart that everything in this life happens for a reason. We may not always know what that is, but there is a reason. Life brought me face to face this year with the people who have seen me at my lowest points in the past. The first time was when my life-long best friend passed away, and I spent the weekend around old classmates that I had not seen in 15 years.

Then again when my first boss passed away and I spent the afternoon with old coworkers that I had not seen in 5 years. And it will happen again in a few months when I see more of them for the first time in 3 years when my dearest friend walks down the aisle.

Sitting in that pew, listening to stories about a woman who always made me feel so cared for and taught me so much, I started thinking about that scared kid just out of college. During the course of catching up with hugs and pleasantries with old colleagues, I started to realize how much I have left her behind me.

Part of the work I have been doing in my life this past year and a half has been focused around letting go of my past and living for today. And I’ve thought a lot about what it would be like to come face to face with all of these individuals again.

I was a young kid when they knew me, and I was dealing with weight issues as well as a transition into adulthood. I made a lot of mistakes and bad choices during that time. My need for constant perfection was exaggerating even the tiniest of errors and my attitude about it wasn’t always the best. I was limiting my life because of the weight and was just unable to show them who I truly am.

And it was in speaking with everyone that I realized we were both meeting a stranger.

Everything Changes in the Process

It’s all interconnected. When you change your habits, you lose the weight. When you lose the weight, you change your life. When you change your life, your habits follow. Every single thing affects the other in this process. And there is a part of you that already knows it.

And that is the very thing you fear most of all.

The day I made my commitment to change, all I could think about was the stranger I would meet at the end of my journey. I don’t know anything about her or her life. And it is still something I struggle with today. Who is she? What does she do? What does she look like? What is her life like?

I honestly don’t know anything about her. And it terrifies me. The reason I was even able to take that first step is because the fear of things staying the same was far greater to me than the fear of the stranger I would meet at the end of this journey.

If you had told me where I would be just nineteen months later, I wouldn’t have believed a single word. I still don’t know the person waiting at the end of all of this, but I got a pretty good glimpse of her at that funeral.

And I liked what I saw. She was kind to old friends, confident in her appearance, and utterly grateful for the many blessings that had come into her life. But most importantly—she was chasing her biggest dreams and all the happier for it, even when things weren’t so perfectly executed.

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