Living with the Ghosts of Was and Will Be

Nobody talks about the girl in the middle. The person who has to live with the ghosts of who she was and who she will be every single day. Nobody tells you about her struggles. She exists only in that brief space between past and future. She is caught in the middle, and when future becomes present, she is quickly forgotten.

Nobody really acknowledges the girl in the middle, but she is there. And despite her brief time of existence, she is worthy of our attention and remembrance.

The Ghost of the Girl I Was

I was overweight for a long time. And that obese girl made a lot of sacrifices in order to survive. She gave up hope that life would ever be easy for her. She accepted that she would never quite “fit in” to this world. She closed herself off in the interest of self-preservation. She hid herself away to escape heartbreak and ridicule. She accepted she would always be alone, trapped in her private pain.

She gave up all hope for something better. She chose a slow death over life.

The Ghost of the Girl I Will Be

When I end this journey, I will no longer be the overweight girl in the room. This healthy girl will have hope for a life of possibility. She will “fit in” to this world in all ways. She will open herself to experience in the interest of exploration and adventure. She will step into the light to know what it truly means to live. She will be surrounded by the love and support of others.

She will have hope for tomorrow. She will choose to live her best life every single day.

The Girl in the Middle

The one in between is still finding her way. She is no longer that obese girl, but still holds her pain very close. She is not yet that healthy girl, but knows the joy of her days. The girl in the middle is in a constant flux of what was and what will be her life. If she ventures too far back or forward, life is ready to remind her that she isn’t quite there yet.

When I was the obese girl, at least I knew who I was. It may not have been the best life, but I knew what to expect from it and I could claim it as my own. Every day and every breath was consumed with it. I knew I was the obese girl hiding away from the world. This identity was strong and well-worn. It was comfortable.

When I think of the girl I will be, she is brave and strong. She is true to herself. She is loved by others. She is courageous and faces the world with pride. She walks into a room with head held high. She is confident in who she is. She knows that she is a survivor.

When I acknowledge that girl in the middle, she is lost and unsure. Her existence is in constant change. She is the one who has to work through all the emotions and pains from her past, and still find the courage to face tomorrow so she can become the girl she will be. She is the one who could trip and fall at any given moment, but has to keep her focus on moving forward.

Everything happening to the girl in the middle is all the stuff that no one can see. While her physical appearance is shifting, the greatest challenges she faces are on the inside. She has to overcome those beliefs about the obese version of her life, while still finding courage in the version she is working to create.

All she can do right now is take life day by day, owning the pain of what was and the hope of what will be. Eventually, she will no longer be that girl in the middle who is standing between two ghosts.

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